You mapped a route with all right turns

Look at that chest of drawers. It's mocking me.

It's saying, no, I will not keep my drawers on track. Are you nuts? Every single one of them will go crooked until you can't budge them at all -- to open or close. And yes, it makes me laugh at you. Sucka!

I've hated few things like I hate this chest of drawers. I want to light it on fire every time I see it. I want to take it out back like the guys in "Office Space" took care of that fax machine.

I'm 26 years old and my house is tribute to second hand furniture. Few things we own are originals, much of it got damaged in some way on our move to and from San Diego, and almost everything else is discount. We had the bright idea to save this chest of drawers from the dregs of Jeff's parent's basement, but now I know why it was down there. It is the devil.

Jeff and I are starting the very early process of looking into home buying. We're not quite sure how the five double-yous will work, but it's on the horizon. I'm looking at buying a home as the single greatest fresh start we can have. It will most likely be in a different place. And I want to chuck all our furniture in one large death to disco blaze.

Jeff is more prudent. "The couches can go in the basement!" The basement. Where good furniture goes to die. What's the point? The walls are closing in and we're a few more crappy pieces of furniture, a few more framed newspaper fronts, 20 records (records!) and about four more books away from being on an episode of Hoarders.

A sample of what we're holding onto: A few months ago I went through all the stuff an ex-boyfriend gave me. Some people have no problem chucking that stuff out, and I wasn't keeping it for sentimental value. I just feel like when someone gives you something with feeling, you should hang onto it. I suppose that is sentimental value, but I don't miss it. What was I going to do with it anyway?

But the things in our tiny, rented house are like a museum of our late teens, early-20s. I wonder sometimes if because Jeff and I met when we were 19 that we're doomed to sort of always be 19-year-olds to each other.

The first step was to break away from our parents. I was pretty independent early on. I don't deserve a special award for this, but I've paid my own bills for years and years now. I'm surprised with how many people my age don't.

And I think the final step to growing up is to chuck the hand-me-down furniture, the old cards, the broken picture frames, the clothes that don't fit and never ever will (I have a pair of jeans my mom gave me more than 5 years ago I'm still holding out hope for), the goddamn Yankee throw blanket that Jeff actually once used as a wall decoration (I wish I was joking), and everything else that's weighing us down.

The first thing to do is get rid of this stupid, cursed set of drawers. It might be suggested I donate it to charity, but honestly, this bureau is like the video in The Ring, and I don't want someone else to have to find themselves cursing at an inanimate object.

But seriously, does anyone have any kerosene? I promise it will be a controlled fire and in no way will I be laughing maniacally...

Til the End of Time

O-M-F-G, who does NOT want another LOST recap? Come on, raise your hands?!

Put your hands down losers, I can't flippin' see you.

I went down to Rhode Island Tuesday night to my boy (can girls say that? Survey says: yes) Justin's house to watch LOST with my other boy, Drew. It's been a while since my boys (see: death, horse beating) and I got together, just the three of us. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. I know, weird right? but worth repeating. And I love Drew's girl (not as much as my husband, but I think she understands). But it was nice having it be just the three of us. Same sense of humor, same reference points, general comfortability and relaxationilization. (And if Justin is reading this, he's rolling his eyes, and if Drew is reading it, he's smirking and thinking of something smart to say -- thanks for reading guys!)

Anyways we were all fist-pumpingly excited for the LOST premiere. We settled into Justin's abnormally clean apartment. I had a sandwich, Andrew had a four pound bag of cookies. For the first time in a while, I hadn't spoiled myself for the season premiere. Honestly, I didn't have the TIME. So I was going into this cold turkey.

After watching Juliette's "fall" three times in about 10 minutes, we were finally ready to start. Eye opens, Kate's in a tree, we're ready to go.

I'm not going to synopsize the whole episode, we'll break it down bullet-style.

Things I liked:

• The nice little interaction between Jack and Locke in the lost luggage room. Old school Locke. Can't we all just get along? Turns out we can!

Hmmm... that was pretty much it.

Things I didn't like:

• The death of Juliette was epically cheesy. Nevermind she survived the fall -- fine. And then lived to hang out for a while after the bomb exploded. But then to die in such an epically cheesy way. (Quote of the night to Andrew: "Didn't she know she was going to die when she started that sentence? Maybe she should have skipped the first part.") It reminded me a little of the all-time lamest death I've ever seen on screen -- Trinity's death in the third Matrix movie. She spent about 25 minutes punctured by about half a dozen steel rods. If I had been the kind of person who does things like that, I would have yelled at the movie screen Elaine-style, "Just DIE already!!" Anyways, Juliette's death reminded me of that.
• The temple people. Every LOST fan on planet earth was saying, "Nooooo! No more new characters PLEASE!" And then to have it be sooo corny. Oh, of COURSE the guy in charge is an Asian guy with a fu-manchu who hates Americans and has -- wait for it -- kick-ass karate skills! And he likes prune plants. And wear leather vests. I'm not sure the last one is an Asian stereotype but regardless, it was cornball.

Those were my two biggest beefs. I don't like it when LOST goes cheesy.

At every commercial break Justin would express his disappointment. ("9:43 and I'm not impressed.... 10:27 and I think there will be bad reviews tomorrow!) Andrew and I fought him until the end when I think we kind of agreed with his assessment.

Theories:

I have none. I think this work week was too busy for me to properly process this episode. They've established these are parallel universes and these are flash-sideways but the fact of the matter is I just wanted them to PICK ONE. And if they weren't going to pick one, I wanted to see what would happen if the plane never crashed -- and we didn't even see that. There was something off about the present day non-crash scenario.

Sigh.

Of course I haven't given up. But this episode didn't knock me out of the park. The season premiere's of LOST usually don't though -- it's the finales where they blow me away. I give this episode of a 4 out of 10.

We can do better.