Friday, May 28, 2010

No one's interested in something you didn't do

You know what I like? Pictures. You know what's even better than pictures? Cell phone pictures. When I see something cool, I instantly want to remember that moment as it would have appeared to me after Dwight Howard and I played one on one. (You come here, of course, for the topical humor.)

What better place to clean out my iPhone then on my blog. Here are some images I've captured over the last few months.

You can't really see what's going on here. That is the point of cell phone photography. On a related note, I snapped these two old women while they were in Dunkin Donuts one weekday morning, ignoring each other and texting on their cell phones. I like to imagine they were texting each other.

Old lady #1: "Have you tried the new bagel twists, homie?"
Old lady #2: "Natch."
Old lady #1: "LOL"
Old lady #2: "Let's put the top down and listen to some GAGA."

I wanted these sneakers for Christmas. I took a photo of the shoes and the box with the brand name and style and forwarded it around to the appropriate people. I didn't get them. This is because most of the people who buy me presents don't actually like me all that much.

After I scoped out the sneakers, I went to the GAP and took pictures of myself trying on clothes. This was all while I was supposed to be out buying Christmas presents for other people. Should I have gotten this dress? It could have changed my entire existence. Just another one of those what-ifs in life.

"Look at this jerk," I said to myself while I snapped this picture. "People will be as outraged as me when they see this photo."

Jeff was pretty excited to go out and play some golf one Saturday morning. Did I mention those shorts are reversable, BECAUSE THEY ARE. Find the five hidden unicorns in our bedroom!

Jeff and I went to go see Seinfeld at Foxwoods. What's the deal with my husband never wanting to pose for pictures?

This is me on the other side of the table, so now you can truly put the pieces together.

This is a picture of something on the SportsCenter set. I'm pretty sure it includes the key to the finale of LOST. (You definitely came for the topical humor!)

It's fair to describe my caption skills as mediocre, but with a birthday party, Memorial Day and trip to NYC upcoming, you'll have lots to look forward in the upcoming days in terms of mobile photography. Maybe I'll do a submit your own caption, because the people seem to like those.

Did you know I have 22 subscribers to this blog... seriously, who are you folks? Reveal yourself and win a free T-shirt!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

See you in another life, brutha

And my reign of clever blog post titles CONTINUES. Awwww yeah... nice. E-five!

What I'm going to do in this here blog post is do a bit of a "live blog" of the LOST finale. It's totally my thing, but you kind of knew that. And you're so glad you came. So come, waste a few minutes of your life with me. ::Takes off shoes, puts on sneakers::

8:05: I'm going to go get a fountain coke (oops, you'd have LOVED to know what I typed there by accident) from the Cumberland Farms up the road. Brb.

8:21: ::Sips coke:: (oh man, that typo would be really unfortunate there). Ah, something about a fountain coke that's better than a regular one, amirite? The sugar is concentrated! And what's the deal with those automatic flushing toilets? Wacky!

My options at the gas station for cups were, no joke, LARGE, LARGE and LARGE. This cup is heavier than a newborn baby. So DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! At least I wasn't there to buy cigarettes. Those things will kill ya. ::Pops peanut M&M::

Anyways, where were we? Ah, the LOST finale. I just want you to know, that while I'm not the biggest LOST superfan on planet Earth, I never wavered in my support of the show. Even in the finale stinks, it will still be one of the best shows ever on TV. That said, if the finale sucks, I may murder a stray cat, just to get a release.

8:27: "Tonight at 12, cure for food allergies in a shot glass of hookworms?" Um, pass.

8:42: They've just gotten to the recap of the Richard episode of this season. I say... second best regular season (non-finale) episode of the show. The episode where Charlie dies was probably the best. Hey, I'm just trying to make conversation here.

8:49: Ten minutes away! How's that for an update!

8:55: Worst job in show business -- John Locke's body double.

8:59: And aaaaawwwwwwayyyy we go!

9:00: Gahhhh we don't need more recap, just got on with it brutha!

9:08: I'm feeling the beginning already. They've stepped up everything, the acting, the scenery, the music, like they always do for finales. This exchange also took place between Jeff and I.

Me: "I think Jack is dying in this episode."

Jeff: "I agree." ::pause:: "You should get that prediction down. That way you can prove you predicted it. That's how predictions work." Predication.... made.

9:15: "What was this dog's name? Mitch? Buddy? Spot?" Oh hey, it's Rose and Bernard. Don't care, don't care, don't care. "Oh yes Desmond, you will." Not the best dialogue ever. We're 20 minutes in friends.

Am I the only one enjoying this NBA speech-autotune commercials? I think they're creative. Jeff thinks they're awful. Thoughts? Leave them in the comments. Or just speak directly at the screen. It's the thought that counts.

9:21: Miles and Richard. Two characters I do care about, yet completely forgot about coming into this finale. Yikes, they have a lot of loose ends here.

9:24: Oh hai, Juliet.

9:25: I never get any cool flashbacks. I only get very specific hunger cravings. My life sucks.

9:27: "I can access your mind... through your dreams." Not now, "Inception" trailer. I can't handle. Wait your turn to scramble my brain please.

9:36: Oooooh! Jack v. Smoke Monster. Royal Rumble.

The thing is.... Jack is ALWAYS wrong. They've pretty much established that as a given this entire series. So... will tonight be different? Will pigs fly? Will hell freeze over? And who said you could finish all the peanut M&Ms BRO?

9:40: Juliet is the MOM. I did not see that .... well, yeah I kinda did. And what divorced people get along that well? This really is a sideways world! (See... see what I did there?)

9:46: Speaking of "seeing what you did there" .... bravo Target. Advertising works, kids.

9:48: I just got choked up because I'm honestly going miss Hurley on TV.

Shannon and Sayid: Goosebumps. Hello, beautiful people. Ridiculously beautiful people.

9:53: Finale definitely not letting me down so far. It's moving along at a good pace. I'm actually starting to get sad it's almost over. Also not letting me down: Twitter trending "Smoke Monster" right under "Craig Sager." If the smoke monster had taken the shape of Craig Sager, this would have been a much different show.

10:00: I never get invited to swank parties to benefit Natural History Museums. I don't think I've ever been to a Natural History Museum period. I don't even know what natural history means! My life sucks.

10:03: What just happened, what just happened, what just happened?! Jack is wrong again?!? What just happened, what just happened, what just happened?! OR IS HE?!

Jacob chose... poorly. And now the island is going to rapidly age and blow into dust!

I just told my coworker Chris, on the West coast, that "things just got gully." I brought that word back from a past life. I shall now beat it into the ground over the next few weeks, kthx.

10:12: I sure hope when the day comes, and I have to deliver a baby, the labor lasts 5 minutes and I push three times. #ThingsImWillingToOverlook. Oh, is this not Twitter?

10:18: Words failing me. They're really bringing it. Halfway through mon freres.

10:23: "Now it's Creed! Now Balboa!" And yes, I got that spear in the side Biblical reference, LOST. You can't put one past ol' Emily, nosireebob. HATED Kate's line, LIKED (didn't LOVE) that she was the one to kill him. Kinda.

10:28: This live blog has really fallen apart, eh? Tonight, a friend of mine used the word "ill-conceived" to describe me. Right... what kind of description is that? One hour left!

10:33: "See me where?" That's what I want to know!! Where are they going? Am I invited? No? I'm not? Why not? What's wrong with the way I dress? You don't have to be that way about it.

10:36: "Tell me I'm going to see you again." Oh, I'll tell you... WITH MY TONGUE.

10:45: "Did we live together in the 70s?" -- Line courtesy of my husband.

10:48: LOST: Making finale clip shows WORK.

10:57: They're really packing a punch emotionally, eh? "I'll see you in another life, brutha!" Whammo! The rest of this blog is just going to be me making sound effects.

11:05: You know, I don't know what the light is but I don't really care. This show is just so yummy.

10:12: Michael Emerson, one of the best actors on TV, period. Hope he lands somewhere. AND WHERE ARE THEY GOING?

10:15: 15 minutes and LOST is DONE. Sad face.

11:18: Is this like Cocoon? Where they gather up the old people about leaving and they all turn into glowing orbs and float into the sky? Is that Cocoon? That seems wrong. Hell if I know.

11:26: Tears, tears!

11:27: Hate to interrupt the tears, but seems pretty glaring they left out Walt and Michael from this little shindig!

11:30: Speechless. Give me time to digest.

OK, I did. Best finale ever.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Breathe out, so I can breathe you in

Oh GOSH do you know it's going to be an excellent blog post when I quote EVERLONG in the title. It's like the apex (makes tiny triangle over head) of creativity. You're thinking, this girl knows her epically popular 90s songs and this blog post is going to be goooooooood.

Unfortunately, I have nothing to write about.

When I sit down to write a blog post with nothing to say I end up sounding equal parts stoned and equal parts suicidal. (Note: I am neither. OR AM I? I am not.)

(Also, the more parentheticals I use THE BETTER. AM I RIGHT? Note: This also applies to CAPS.)

So what's been up, boyee? Not too much. Not too much. I just opened a bag of Sun Chips and the bag made such a loud noise Jeff immediately said, "You're gonna need a plate."

It's that kind of up to date information on my life you've been missing.

Possible topics for this post were pitched as:

1. The Rape Condom

2. The Human Centipede.

3. [Redacted]

4. Camel Spiders

5. My singing abilities

6. Bras or Pants -- which sucks more to wear?

I don't think I should touch the first two (LITERALLY! Hey-o!) because this is a family blog. Also: Don't google camel spiders. They will haunt your dreams and then actually eat out your brains through your eyeballs in your sleep. Or so I've been told.

My singing abilities were "shown off" last Wednesday night in a dive country western bar in downtown Bristol, CT the other night. Don't worry, I'll text you the address. My coworkers (hi Chris!) and I had all gathered for our annual gathering for gathering's sake, and this bar was just one short gravely walk across the parking lot from our hotel. Naturally, we ended up living there for three days. Note: When you walk in somewhere and it has a mechanical bull you know you're in for a good time even though no one in your party will have the guts to ride it any look like a fool.

Fortunately, there was plenty of time to look like a fool as Wednesday's are karaoke. Karaoke was being run by a guy who looked like Mario Batali's fatter, less successful and more musical little brother. He had a long red ponytail and apparently a very fruitful career which had let him to our little corner of the world on that night.

Not a lot of people in our group were really gutsy (is gutsy the right word?) enough for karaoke, but we finally goaded one of the writers up to the stage where he then blew our minds with a particularly straight faced and unforgettable performance of Gin & Juice, complete with a few loud "Biatch!"'s at the end. Well done, sir.

My buddy Tim was up next, singing "Radar Love" -- a song which I have never heard before in my life, but sounded brilliant. Tim then suggested he and I sing a song.

Now, I'm not shy. I'm not adverse to making a fool of myself in public, speaking my mind, doing the robot, drinking too much and revealing embarrassing details about myself, etc. This is why people always have the utmost respect for me. But I can't sing. So I don't usually karaoke.

But Tim was goading me, and wanting to be a good sport, I obliged. The exchange went something like this.

Tim: "Let's sing Barenaked Ladies 'If I Had a Million Dollars.' Everyone will love it and be singing along with us at the end."

Me: Dopey smile and complete trust in this statement.

Cue us on stage. Song starts. Awwww... damn. I really don't know this song that well at all.


There is video of this somewhere, but I could only watch the first 20 seconds before I wanted to die of shame. And thus ends my karaoke career. (But who are WE kidding!)

By the end of the three days I realized I have pretty much the coolest coworkers on the planet which makes my job so easy and great. I'm so damn lucky, you know that? I don't think there's many girls on this planet who have surrounded themselves with such amazing and funny and good (I broke out the thesaurus there!) people as I have. And by surrounded, I mean virtually. I see them once a year. They don't know how little I shower and that's probably a good thing.

I'll wrap this up by saying, it's a close debate but ultimately: Pants.

-- Drops mic --