And things will be just fine

Are you a selfish person?

That sounds like the lead line to an ad. Or maybe a sermon. Let me try again.

Are YOU a selfish person?

Wait, that wasn't any better. This is why I'm not in advertising or religion.

That thought came into my head tonight while I was switching clothes over from the washer to the dryer. Heady thoughts come frequently in mundane moments for me.

I don't mean selfish in a typical way. As in, if you have something I want, I want it or I'll cry and stomp and pout. That's not selfish (well, maybe it is), that's immature.

No one really likes to consider themselves selfish. Everyone would gladly put themselves under the heading, "I'd do anything for anyone at anytime" and think they'd help someone in need if they could. Heck, Jeff asked me a few weeks ago if we wanted to donate money to the Red Cross. The exchange went something like this.

Jeff: "Do you want to donate some money to the Red Cross for Haiti? Minimum donation is $10."

Me: "Let's do $25."

(Sits back with a smug, satisfied look on her face.)

Of course $25 is nothing, and I could probably do more (sans the probably part). But that's not even the selfishness I'm referring to. I mean the kind of selfishness that comes with getting constantly lost in your own thoughts, worrying just about your life and no one else's, wanting your cake and eating it too, changing your mind every five seconds, being recklessly independent and emotionally needy, wanting people to know what you're thinking without telling them, waking up every morning and just thinking about yourself.

You should, in theory, lose a little of that selfishness as you age, and certainly when you get married. What's best for Jeff, what's best for our life together, that needs to be at least the second thought of every day. I'm working towards making it the first. There isn't anyone I want more for in my life than Jeff. Because he chose me to share his world, I want him to have the best of everything. The same applies for my family and friends. You can only want something for someone else so bad, before they need to be selfish and get it for themselves, but you can always be unselfishly supportive and unflappably loyal.

This idea of selfishness/selflessness popped into my head because, naturally, as a 26-year-old just married (six months on Monday) female, I'm a ticking clock ... when are ya gonna have a BAY-BE?! And while the decision when to have kids is personal and not something casual readers of this blog will know about until well AFTER it happens, of course I think about it. Jeff and I talk about it dontcha worry about it.

People "in the know" seem to think that you should only have a baby when you've shed this selfishness. Two years seems to be the acceptable waiting period for people our age, apparently we're supposed to see the world, swim with dolphins, go bungee jumping, eat a sundae of 14K gold or something before we make that decision to start trying.

And I wondered today if I've shed that selfishness yet, or it only comes with having a child. I do know it will come, I know that.

I'm beginning to think I'll welcome it with open arms. Thinking only about yourself can be exhausting.

Says the girl who writes a self-serving, painfully tiring online blog ...