Monday, July 12, 2010

The hate list

I gotta be honest with you, blog reader: not a lot of thought goes into my blog posts. I don't spend a lot of time crafting a thesis, writing an outline, or stealing jokes from lesser known bloggers. I don't even usually re-read my posts cause damn... I do that all day.

I usually say, hey self... why don't you blog something so you don't feel like such a fracking failure of a writer. Then I cry for 30 minutes, find a topic and head over here to rattle off 15 minutes worth of thoughts, hit publish and send the contents of my word vomit out into cyber space to be found by the kind of people who google, "construction company picnic games contests." (Seriously.)

Just wanted to give you a little insight into the mind of the blog magician.

But since you're here, hey, how about a little story?

When I was in high school (GLORY DAYS!), I used to hang out in big packs of people. On weekend nights, my mother would literally drop me on corners and a huge crowd of like 30 friends would wander the neighborhood until we found a parent willing to let the group of us into their basement where we would TOTALLY MAKE OUT.

When we weren't attempting to open beer bottles by breaking them on the cement, we did things like compile a "Hate List." Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking we put other students on it, and spread vicious rumors about classmates. But alas, dear blog reader, my life is not a Tina Fey movie. Examples of things on our hate list included: The pledge of allegiance, the Mowry sisters, and the quadratic formula. See, we couldn't spread vicious rumors about the nerds in our class because WE WERE THE NERDS. And weeeeeee were quirky!

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I held said hate list for the duration of high school, and we'd add as necessary. And then I lost it. I'd give my right arm to see it because it became legendary and I could really use it to milk for a blog post. Oh wait...

As I've gotten older, there's a lot more to hate. Here's a few things I hate:
  • Milk.
  • The fact that no one cleans up after me.
  • Anyone who runs a mile under 12 minutes.
  • Sylvester Stallone's creepy arms.
  • Fake laughter.
  • Thinking.
  • Bad iced coffee.
  • When my windshield wipers get sucky.
  • Myself, for reading Perez
  • Star Wars/Major League quotes.
  • Celebrities who drop 40 pounds 3 weeks after they give birth to four pound babies.
  • Sunshine.
  • Sherbet.
  • Guilt trips.
  • Crazy cakes statements from Jesse Jackson.
  • LOLing over 16.
  • Renee Zellweger's weird squish face.
  • People who spell Twilight -- Twighlight. You are just all kinds of dumb, girl.
  • High school boys with more precise hairdos than I have.
  • People who insist I repeat my last name so they can know how to pronounce it correctly when it doesn't matter/they won't remember.
  • Anyone who thought the following movies were good: Step Brothers, No Country for Old Men or The Thin Red Line.
  • The fact I will never look like this.
  • Insects.
  • Kombucha. Because I don't know what it is and all of a sudden it's everywhere. I fear what I do not understand.
  • Lady Gaga.
  • HTML.
  • Men's Health.
  • The credit card commercial that ends with a song playing that says, "Callll meeeeeeee."
  • Nurses who can't spell surgery. There ain't no sugar in it.
  • When I want to drop a swear word on the internet but I can't because my "mom" and "my superiors" read my blog.
  • The fact that this man and I will never be one.
  • Laziness.
  • My back.
  • When my mix CDs get scratched.
  • Having to create user names and passwords for EVERYTHING.
  • Bloggers who get free stuff. That ain't fair. I want a year long supply of Venus flytraps, Jordan almonds, desk calendars, SOMETHING.
  • Excessive hating. Seriously, lighten up.
I'm thinking I'll add to this list as time goes on because I do hate so, so much. What do you hate dear reader? An no, no names.


Steve said...

I hate people who hate people who like No Country for Old Men.

I also hate uneven tables at coffee shops and bad shopping cart wheels at the grocery store.

jessica maria said...

Hahahahaha this cracked me up.

Also, really, nurses not being able to spell surgery? REALLY?

mom said...

I hate when people rewrite history

Ms.Osediacz said...

i hate that you hate sunshine
i also hate wearing a wet swim suit for too long